love and grace

I have neglected blogging recently and I think a lot of it is out of laziness, but mostly because I have had too much on my mind. my heart has been heavy, my mind has been messed with and everything imaginable has happened to make me lose my focus.

Yet here I am, keeping with the grind, moving forward.

I have nothing less than praise for my Heavenly Father, because He gives me the will to carry on, He still loves me despite my imperfection and I know that He is working in my life.

In this past month, I have realized two very important things that point to one underlying truth. For one, I am being asked to let go of my past, to essentially leave my jar at the well as one friend put it, and leave it to God. I had been clinging to what was, and this was holding me back from what God has planned for me. Secondly, I am learning the true meaning of love, beyond romantic love, but trying to see love from God's eyes. These two epiphanies only point to my future, to the way that God wants to use me--that He be the only focus in my life. My life's goal should be to please Him and no other.

Recently I have been questioning what love is. Everything I see around my leaves me so heartbroken and literally, not a single day passes that I don't fall to my knees and weep because of the pain and suffering I see in this world. It is unbelievable to me that children will purposely try to burn others alive, that a teen would kill his brother without remorse, that in the name of "love," people are driven to acts of violence, that one would go on a shooting spree for being bullied, that children be abandoned by their parents. Everyday I thank the Lord because if not for His love, I would never know what it means. The world cannot teach it to me, nor will they be able to love if they don't know God.

What this world lacks is an understanding of grace. The beauty of God's love is that we don't deserve it and yet, He is faithful. He forgives. He takes us in. He is graceful. And because of this, all I can do is to be thankful and to love in return.

I feel like recently I have been challenged to truly love the world around me. Not just to do the "Christian-like" thing and to do my share of community service and looking good in front of others, but to really love. I've read 1 Corinthians 13 soooo many times, but I finally read this chapter in The Message and felt a renewed challenge. THIS is what love is. THIS is what I must do.

Love never gives up.

Love cares more for others than for self.

Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.

Love doesn't strut,

Doesn't have a swelled head,

Doesn't force itself on others,

Isn't always "me first,"

Doesn't fly off the handle,

Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,

Doesn't revel when others grovel,

Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,

Puts up with anything,

Trusts God always,

Always looks for the best,

Never looks back,

But keeps going to the end.

I have recently accepted a job with Teach for America, a task that I know will be no easy feat. Yet I know that I am being called down this path, to love the less fortunate and bring the light and love of God to those deemed to be "failures" in society. I have read these verses and pledge to make them the essence of my life.

I have been failed in the past. I have been left. Downhearted. Broken. And yet, my Father has picked up the pieces. He is making me whole so I can serve Him. I feel as if this is the time that I am supposed to be truly alone so that I may make Him my focus and I can solely rely on Him. Being as I am a big people person, I know that this is going to be a challenge. But nevertheless, I know that if I don't do this now, then I would be disobedient and straying. My prayer is that I know without a doubt that all I need is my God.

I've been looking through my eyes all too often. I have tried to solve things on my own only to fall short. I have to let go and let God. Worry for nothing, pray for everything. I need to see the world through God's eyes, to stop worrying and cast my doubts on Him, the Almighty. I want Him to break my heart for the things that break His. I want to serve. If not I, then who? I cannot focus on God if other things are taking hold of my heart and mind.

And this shouldn't be a realization exclusive to me, but for everyone. God wants our all, our love, our devotion. Only then will we reach our full potential and be blessed. I don't want to hold back on my God! Imagine if He held out on us, what would we be? In His praise, we should give our all, and let go of the petty things in life so that God entrusts us with greater things for His glory.

I know I've been rambling, but I guess it's a month's worth of thoughts and self-realization.