finding joy

i've been reading Philippians in hope of getting inspired by Paul's message of joy.

i want to be joyful but lately i've been finding that many things aim at robbing my joy. why is this? it makes me really sad but i'm going to try and keep at it, keep running the good race.

when will it end?

oh Lord. where are you?

All I see around me is pain.

All I do is hurt.

When will it end?

When will I smile again?

sometimes...

i wish i could just forget.

but i can't shake it.

i can't let it go.

yes it's past 3AM

and i can't sleep because i need to finish this really lame paper. boo.

in the meantime i've been distracting myself by chatting with two of my "good" friends from abroad. yet it's so funny because we're sooo different. i realize that the things that make them happy are trivial and what they consider "good" in a guy is terrible in my eyes.

one says "he's cute. he likes me. it's nice."

wow. sounds like a catch and some real substance there!

it's so crazy what the world considers to be good and substantial compared to how we see things. it's almost disheartening. i hope that one day i am able to find someone that will make me happy and be the man God has called him to be in my life. not just some "fun" guy.

people ask why i haven't found anyone new since i've been single. well, there's your answer. it isn't about settling. bam.